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Grief is the price you pay for love. It is love with no where to go. |
"If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing that I'd like to do is to save every day until eternity passes away just to spend them with you."
Those familiar lyrics by Jim Croce in my title and quoted in this blog, I'm sure you have heard them at one time or another. (A beautiful love song believed to be penned for his wife when she found out she was pregnant.) So here I am, almost two years since my heart broke in a million pieces. But we all know that it's impossible to save time in a bottle.
Even so, there absolutely is something that is saved in a bottle. Psalm 56:8 tells me that tears are saved in a bottle by God. This is a Promise of God that lets us know how very precious every tear that falls from our eyes is to God. They are not trivial, nor are they discarded. They are not an embarassment to Him. It says in this verse: "You number my wanderings, You put tears into Your bottle, are they not in Your book?"
"If I could make days last forever, if words could make wishes comes true, I'd save every day like a treasure and then again, I would spend them with you."
My words, my prayers, my intercession, my faith and hope in Christ could not keep John here. God has numbered all of our days. There is an appointed time for everyone to be born and an appointed time to die. That might sound harsh but it is a truth that can't be denied although it is rarely really thought about. I realize in looking back at our life together though, every day was indeed a treasure and a gift.
"But there never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do, once you find them. I've looked around to know that you're the one I want to go through time with."
In as much as I wanted to spend the rest of my life with John, he is the one who actually did spend the rest of his life with me. It's a different perspective, isn't it? Yes, it does feel to me as if there wasn't enough time to 'do things'. But for over 46 years the life we shared together was full of so much love, so much joy and happiness, lots of laughter, so much respect and honor, and moments in time that I will forever thank God for.
"If I had a box just for wishes and dreams that had never come true, the box would be empty except for how they were answered by you." God is the one who brought us together, He kept us together, caused our love to grow even stronger through the years and gave us both the understanding that this would not be the end of our story. If ever there was a time to be reminded of the reality of eternity, it is when someone you love dies.
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Soon, it will be two years since John died. The first year I was numb and the memories were blurry. This past year the numbness has worn off to a point. I've been learning how to live my life without him. To try to figure out and rediscover myself. I will miss John every single day of my life. I know heaven is a real place, I know that is where John absolutely is, and I know that there will come a day when God will take me home too. I have good days and I have awful days. I have in between days. But every morning I get up and I make a decision to choose joy that day. As soon as my feet hit the floor I'm saying "thank You Lord that this is another day You have made, I'm going to rejoice and be glad in it!" Some days are harder than others. Some days I have tones of energy and can accomplish all kinds of things. Other days, I'm doing good to make my bed and get a cup of coffee made. I make no apologies and I do not expect people who have never lot a spouse to understand, I extend Grace when an expectation is placed upon me that I cannot manage. I often give myself permission to make a decision NOT to make a decision. I've been involved with GriefShare since 8 weeks after his death and have come a long way towards healing on this journey from grief to joy. I am full of gratitude for my family and my friends who come alongside of me. I appreciate the help that has been offered and I am trying to learn to do more things on my own. Today I just felt like writing, and truthfully other than my daily journaling, I have not felt like writing at all. So who knows! I do continue to covet your prayers as I continue to navigate a journey I never wanted to take!
Pippin, Hemi, Holly Beth, and Revere are all doing well. Pip turned 15 this spring, and she has some issues going on. Their lives were completely turned upside down too when John died. It's been the hardest on Holly. She's gone from sleeping as far away from the bedroom as she could, to now sleeping with me. They are my best companions.
Thanks for listening. Take care and as always, God bless.
Ann
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| I spent the winter with my son and family on the Outer Banks. It truly was a time of healing and rest for my soul. I'm so thankful for all of my family. |
