Treasure - Always on My Mind

"Treasure"

"Dogs' lives are short, too short, but you know that going in.  You know the pain is coming, you're going to lose a dog and there's going to be great anguish so you live fully in the moment with her, never fail to share her joy or delight in her innocence, because you can't support the illusion that a dog can be your lifelong companion. There's such beauty in the hard honesty of that, in accepting and giving love while always aware it comes with an unbearable price."  Dean Koontz

One month ago today I said goodbye to Treasure.  On one hand it feels like an eternity since she left my side.  And yet it also seems it was just a few hours ago I held her, leaned my head into her hair, and kissed her into an eternity of peace.

I keep up a brave front. And why not? There is so much going on in this crazy world around me, our lives are changing rapidly due to this pandemic and we are all trying to adjust to what we never thought we would have to adjust to.

Yes, we have other Brittany dogs.  And indeed we have said farewell to others in the past and we know, yes we know inevitably there will be more to come.  I shared in my prior blog post, written just a few days after Treasure died, how she truly is and was my heart dog.

The sentiments expressed towards us the past 4 weeks have totally blown me away.  Flowers, gifts, cards, notes, and words of deep sympathy and understanding.  Unfortunately, there have been no hugs beyond my loving husband John. Can you imagine not getting hugs from friends just when you need them most?  So I share on Facebook and every comment, every prayer, every little iconic reaction has touched me.

Some days I've got it together.  Some nights as well.  But I 'see' Treasure even when I am not looking for her.  The night she died there was a beautiful sunset and I swear that as the sun melted into the hillside there was indeed the shape of a beautiful dog.  And prior to that, I saw a pawprint in the clouds.

Music has always been an important part of my life.  There is a special song for most every season I have lived, every relationship ever shared.  There are songs that remind me of each one of my children growing up, and even my grandchildren. It should go without saying that John and I have our own songs.  Music is in the background of most of my days.  Consequently there are songs that remind me of dogs I love and have loved.

Ironically, the song I embedded at the bottom of this post, just started to play on Pandora.  A couple of years ago when I was cooking I glanced over my shoulder at Treasure just lying there, watching every move I make.  She was my constant shadow! The song, "Wherever You Will Go" as recorded by Sharlene Soraia, played and immediately, for some reason, I connected it to the relationship Treasure and I shared.  As time went on every time I heard it play the lyrics just resonated within me more and more. At this point, I get the message. I now understand why I was so drawn to that song.

The ache, the pain in my heart is overwhelming sometimes.  In my solitude I yield to the sobs that escape from deep within. I know people understand this. But I am living it right now.

Holly Beth Understands 

Yesterday while relaxing on the couch watching a little television Holly quietly approached me.  Before Treasure's health declined she always jumped up next to me and tucked in just as close as she possibly could. Always. Holly likes to be close too but yesterday was different.  She jumped up and did the exact same thing her mother always did. It was so easy for a brief moment to imagine it was Treasure there.  There's a subtle difference in the set of Holly's ears as well as a prominent white marking where Treasure had none.  Nonetheless, Holly's desire to be near like that brought me so much comfort.

The other day when feeding the dogs their breakfast I filled one dish too many.  One night before going to bed I looked for the familiar dancing in the dark by the back door which was part of Treasure's routine.   All of the other dogs look for her too. At night, Pippin lies where Treasure once did.  Revere, who grew up in his grandmother's shadow, has a new behavior in the morning.  Where Treasure always use to wake me up by laying her head on the pillow next to me and gently pawing at my face, Revere now is doing this.  And he's NEVER done anything like that before.

Because of Jesus, I am blessed to know the undeniable peace that passes human understanding.  His peace that He gives to me, is also carrying me through this time of craziness with the pandemic as well as through the loss of my Treasure.   His perfect peace. I am so thankful for it.  His strength is perfected in my weakness.

I will love you forever, Treasure. 

I just wanted to write tonight.  That's all.  I know others have experienced this level of grief at losing a beloved dog.  Everyone says remember the happy times! Be thankful for the love you shared! She's always in your heart! You'll see her again!  She's at the bridge playing with (fill blank in with dog's name).  Yes, yes, and yes I know these are wonderful things and I appreciate the sentiment so very much, honest I do.  But I just want to call out her name and have her come running to me.  Oh how this dog brought me so much joy for almost 14 years. From the moment of her birth up until her last breath. Treasure I will love you forever. Thank you Lord for letting me know such an amazing creature.